Tom Butler

Getting married is so straightforward. Two people meet, they get along really well, they live together for a while and then get married. Simple, right?  Actually, not so much.

The next step was to seek permission from my fiancees parents. This needs to take place on neutral ground to avoid making bold statements too early. A suitor visiting a family home is a statement of intent to marry in China. The neighbours cant be allowed to gossip at this delicate, early stage.

Accordingly, a private room in a restaurant was booked and Annies parents, sister and her husband and kids came along. As ever, the approval of Older Sister was very important. This meeting wouldnt even have been possible if I hadnt successfully passed her vetting procedure a while earlier. So the day came and, eager to impress, I arrived dressed smartly, determined to play the role of the respectful, polite prospective son in law. Prospective Mother in Law and Older Sisters family were warm and supportive. However, Prospective Father in Law was determined to play it serious and cool as far as his baby daughter was concerned. The more I tried, the more like Tywen Lannister he became. I addressed him directly once. He never addressed me directly throughout the meal, apart from a curt hello and goodbye. By the end of the meal I was pretty crestfallen, and was surprised when my fiance, her mother and sister all said it had gone well.

Father in Laws initial concerns about breeding between different species was overcome surprisingly quickly, and I learned through the usual channels that he agreed to the plan in principle. An invitation to the family home was extended and humbly accepted. Thereupon, Annies father and I bonded over baijiu and Suyuan cigarettes, and got to discussing housing, employment and other essential mechanics of life. After a lively discussion with lots of translation breaks, his mood lightened somewhat. The last baijiu was, for me, a landmark. It was so much more than a little glass of firewater. It was a welcome to a family. Strong liquor hasseldom moved me so much. At least not in that way.

Over the next weeks and months, I attended birthdays, weddings, festival dinners, a Hundred Days party (a bit like a christening) and even a nervy hospitalization that nevertheless, turned out okay. I began to get the rhythms of Chinese family life and was always gratified by the warm welcome I received. I have helped watch nephews when Older Sister went for baby number two and drank toasts with dozens of uncles and cousins.

So now, wedding plans were in order. Again, my male outlook thought this would be fairly simple. A dress, rings, hotel dinner. Easy. I now understand why there are professional wedding planners.

To start with, two dresses are needed. One, a red and gold embroidered traditional Chinese dress, with every embroidered design having some significance in Chinese culture to bring good fortune to the union. Two, a snowy white princess number, because, well, which girl doesnt want a princess dress on her wedding day? Suzhou Silk market was worth a visit just to see the range of styles, the complexity of craftsmanship and the polished service of this massive marital-industrial complex. Having seen that I retired to a coffee shop, leaving the arcane process of selection, bargaining and purchase to my fiancee and Older Sister, and a good time was had by all.

Over the next weeks, a banquet venue was selected and a tsunami of packages arrived from Taobao. Table decorations, flowers and small gifts for attendees began to fill the spare room. A final package arrived. Invitations. Beautifully crafted in traditional Chinese style, at Taobao low low prices. The tricky part is filling them in. My side was easy. Twelve people coming from the UK and about 20 good friends. Wedding invitations in Chinese society are on a whole different level.

And so to hongbao. Those little red envelopes containing cash are an intrinsic part of Chinese society. They are given at festivals, weddings and other events, and are a kind of currency between family and members of guanxi networks and have a value beyond the money they contain. They are given partly as a blessing to new couples or babies, and are a mark of respect between families and strategic acquaintances. If one receives a sum in hongbao, it is dishonourable, even shameful, not to return the gesture when the need arises. Therefore, weddings, festivals and special events are essential to building and strengthening bonds of family and guanxi.

Which posed a problem. As the groom, it lies with me to fund the wedding party, yet my Western family and friends do not give hongbao to finance it. Plus, the hongbao coming from Annies family is part of a network I havent belonged to before. In true Chinese style, a pragmatic solution was reached via indirect channels of negotiation. The costs of the wedding would be split accordingly, as would the hongbao, thus preserving the family guanxi process and helping to finance the event.

Many western people new to China find giving cash distasteful. I would counter that by saying that a couple issuing a list of gifts to be filled at a department store isnt exactly classy either. After all this tradition and culture, the legal marriage itself was distinctly underwhelming. Foreigners in Jiangsu must marry in Nanjing. If you want to get married on a Saturday you need to be there in the morning. So bookings were made and we rose at dawn to take the train. We arrived at the office, bang on time. Nobody was there. Discreet enquiries to the security guards produced the officials phone number. On reaching him an explanation was given. He soon arrived, with his wife, son and their shopping bags. After twenty minutes of signing forms, taking photos and giving my thumbprint in red ink, we were congratulated and told we were married, upon receipt of the required charges. We returned to Wuxi to find that friends and colleagues had thrown a surprise party, the highlight of our day.

As I write this, most of the stages are complete. The venue is booked, friends are invited. Bridesmaids are bickering and I am trying to pick a best man without offending anyone. In England, people are waiting for visas and typing Chinese culture into Wikipedia. In Wuxi, guest lists are being painstakingly compiled, multicultural dinner entertainment is being sourced and kids are getting excited to meet their strange new cousins.  

When I joined a Chinese family I joined something much bigger than me. I joined a vast network and a line stretching back into the history and into the future. They have been very understanding and accommodating with my differences, and I do my best to be the same with them.

I look forward to the wedding as a coming together, not only of my wife and I, but of two families and two cultures, to celebrate one union.